WORDS Will Steineker
Word is you don’t like soccer. It probably has something to do with all of those faux-European hipsters who go out of their way to call it football. It doesn’t help that they’re usually wearing skinny jeans while they rant about how much you should like their version of the game. The worst part is how the condescension just oozes out of them as they look down their noses, right through their conspicuous glasses, and chirp about how “you just don’t get it.”
Word is you don’t like soccer and that makes perfect sense. After all, soccer’s just a bunch of pansies and pretty boys running around playing a child’s game. Nobody ever scores. Games can end in a tie. You can’t even touch the ball, for God’s sake! The fact of the matter is that soccer’s a sport for seven year olds, and sports for seven year olds are not real sports. It’s a game played by children and wannabe male models. Real men don’t play soccer. Real men play American sports. Real men play real football, not that hot pansy nonsense.
And every single bit of that may be true. But before you decide to consign soccer to the wastebasket reserved exclusively for soft sports played by soft people who do soft things, consider the events of the evening of January 25, 1995.
It was a damp, chilly night in South London when Manchester United forward Eric Cantona was ejected from his team’s English Premier League match at Crystal Palace. He was tossed for blatantly kicking a Palace defender and was headed back to the locker room when a Palace fan named Matthew Simmons made his way to the front row to toss a couple of insults in the visiting player’s way as he made his way down the tunnel. It seems Simmons was no fan of the forward, a fact he made known by shouting a few choice words Cantona’s way while insulting his nationality. Cantona, a proud Frenchman with an often-volatile temper, had just spent the last ninety minutes running at full speed while taking cleats to the shins and elbows to the face. As such, he didn’t appreciate what the home team’s supporter had to say. He registered his dissatisfaction by launching himself from the field, kung fu kicking Simmons in the chest, and punching him in the face.
Think about that.
A professional athlete kung fu kicked another team’s fan in the chest and punched said fan in the face, and he did so after exerting more energy in an hour and a half than the average person goes through in a week. In most countries, that kind of assault gets you arrested. In the UK, it made the Frenchman a god. That night, Cantona went from mercurial professional athlete to the nation’s most famous celebrity. His endorsements exploded, his jerseys sold out, and his next contract was a record breaker. Still think your favorite football player’s a hard ass? Think again.
Listen, that hipster who’s always talking about how everyone else in the world calls it football may very well be insufferable. Nobody’s going to argue with that. Still, there’s a very real chance he’s actually onto something. It happens to be that soccer’s played by tough guys in top physical condition, and it turns out soccer fans are notorious for their passion and intensity. And nowhere are the players tougher and the fans more intense than in the English Premier League. Here’s the skinny on how it works:
The English Premier League (the EPL or, alternately, the Premiership) is made up of the top twenty teams (or clubs) in English soccer, and it works in a manner that’s pretty easy to understand. Each team plays thirty-eight matches, with each match lasting ninety minutes (plus a few extra minutes added onto the end of each half to make up for any stoppages in play due to injury). Each club earns three points for a win, while a tie (or draw) gets you one point and a loss gets you none. The points are tallied at the end of each season, and the club with the highest points total wins it all. It’s that simple.
In a twist that might seem amazing to the average American sports fan, the bottom of the EPL’s standings are even more interesting than the top. The three clubs with the lowest points totals at the end of the season are sent down to the Football League Championship (a professional division that can best be described as the AAA baseball league of English soccer) in a process known as relegation, while the League Championship’s top three teams are promoted to the Premiership. Relegated teams miss out on the massive revenue that’s shared among the top flight’s teams, while promoted teams get a cash infusion that can change their trajectories for years to come. And while there are a few traditional league powers who consistently remain in the top tier of English soccer (London clubs like Arsenal, Chelsea, and Tottenham Hotspur come to mind alongside powerhouse sides from industrial towns such as Liverpool and current league champions Manchester United), there’s a parity that’s created by the struggle to remain in the Premiership that gives every single one of the season’s 380 games the sort of meaning that you just won’t find in your average week twelve matchup between the Buffalo Bills and the Cleveland Browns.
The Premiership’s rules of the road certainly offer an interesting twist or two, but the truth is that rules don’t make fans. No, fans need teams. Fans need teams because nobody cheers for a league. Fans need teams so they can buy shirts, learn chants, and talk trash. Fans need teams so that they can properly live and die with each and every weekend’s results. Premiership fans, referred to as supporters, understand what it is to do all of those things in a way that can challenge the faith of even the most fervent American football fan. In fact, EPL fans are so ardent that sold out stadiums are the norm and pubs across the UK are packed on game day with supporters sporting their team’s colors as they drink beer and sing songs in support of their most beloved players. And those are just the guy and gals watching in the UK.
Over 2,700,000,000 people in 212 countries watched the EPL last season, making it easily the most followed professional sports league on the planet. The question of fandom is one that’s decided at birth for most Britons, but fans around the world have the privilege of choosing for themselves. Which begs the question of which teams you should consider when choosing your side. It’s a tough question, but the good news is that we’re here to help you make what very well may be the toughest, most important decision of your sporting life. Here goes nothing...
Are you a fan of teams that have been good for so long that finishing second is unacceptable even if it means everyone else hates you (Manchester United) or do you prefer scrappy underdogs with a ton of oft-unrealized upside (Arsenal)? Speaking of underdogs, how do you feel about hopping on board with one of the teams that were just promoted (Cardiff City, Crystal Palace, Hull City) and are looking to make top-tier soccer an engagement that lasts longer than just a year? Perhaps you’re the sort of person that has a taste for eccentric owners (which means you’re probably a Dallas Mavericks fan). How about a side owned by a Russian billionaire (Chelsea) or a Sheik from Abu Dhabi (Manchester City), both of whom spend money like crazy while enjoying their fair share of time in the tabloids? No? Maybe you need an American connection. What about team that’s owned by the same guys who own the Boston Red Sox (Liverpool) or the Jacksonville Jaguars (Fulham) to ease yourself into your newfound fandom? Or maybe you’re just looking for a way to cheer for American players abroad (Aston Villa, Everton, Stoke City, Sunderland, Tottenham Hotspur). No matter your angle, the fact of the matter is that the only issue you’ll have when choosing an EPL club to support is narrowing it down to just one. Just take your time, do a little research, and remember that the cheering’s the thing. You can’t make a wrong decision.
If you’re still reading, you’re probably interested in finding out how you can give this whole Premier League thing a shot. The good news is that watching EPL games in the US has never been easier. This season’s action kicked off on August 17 and will run through May 2014, with the every single match being carried live on the NBC family of networks. Comprehensive online coverage is available through the Premier League’s website (premierleague.com), the BBC (bbc.co.uk), and ESPN FC (espnfc.com). But watching the Premiership’s biggest matches is a communal experience best enjoyed while sharing an adult beverage or two with a few dozen of your team’s biggest supporters. Give Hampstead’s The Tipping Point or Cloverdale’s Bud’s a shot if you’re looking to have a beer as you cheer for your boys alongside your fellow fans. Once you’ve decided where to watch the game, all you need to do is sit back and enjoy the experience. It’s big, it’s loud, and it’s strangely familiar. Matches flow beautifully and the crowd practically tells you when to cheer. It helps that NBC’s announcers are among the best in the business. So grab a beer and cheer your face off, folks. Give it enough time and you’ll fall in love. Give it a little more and you might even find yourself buying that condescending hipster a beer when you finally admit that he was right all along. That’s not so bad, really. After all, there are worse fates than having to admit you were wrong. Just ask Matthew Simmons.